I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
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I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
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I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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