Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
