She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
