so explain again why im purple
no
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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