And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
