I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
