Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Even the bartender felt bad for me
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
