I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
