I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
