I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Randomize
