I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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