From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Randomize
