...so i touched it.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
