hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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