I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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