When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
