My friends, they love my intelligence
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Randomize
