I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
