I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Randomize
