Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
