You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
