I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
what day is it and did you see me today?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Randomize
