Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
