How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
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I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
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