I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
