ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
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I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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