I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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