you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
