my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
