i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
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