Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
