I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
