We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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