The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
