The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
