Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
