walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Randomize
