I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I AM VODKA MAN
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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