i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
