I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
