yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I think I won the penis lottery.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
