when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize