JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
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The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
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i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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