If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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