would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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