peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
whose parrot is this?
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
