You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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