i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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