i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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