i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You were trust falling into bushes
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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