I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
