i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
