Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
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