let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
