Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
