They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
