Moan for me like Helen Keller
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
