Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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