It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
Randomize
