I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
